Last week I made a sweeping proclamation that “I would be more honest and open and share my journey”. I wrote a blog, I posted it, I shared it everywhere I could. Then I went into hiding, a deep hiding where I was scared and paralyzed about what to do next. How to proceed.
I went into hiding because the reality is, I am so tied up in numbers and likes and sales that I was scared to actually be the real me–despite my wide sweeping proclamation that ‘THIS IS IT! I AM READY!’. I suppose I wasn’t. I wasn’t actually ready to surrender, throw myself into an abyss of the internet, only to be let down when no one would catch me. I imagined unleashing my true self, letting her run wild in fields of poppies and posies, only to be cast aside and left broken and unable to move.
Tonight, I surrender. I surrender my fear. I am letting go. Why you ask?
This past week I fell upon an article by the inimitable Leonie Dawson, where she reminded me that ‘not everyone is going to like you’ and that being ‘Leonie lite for the naysayers’ is a disservice to herself and others.
“It’s not my job to debate, cajole or water myself down. It’s not my job to try to appeal as many people as possible by being Leonie Lite.
I’m supposed to be full flavored Leonie – and that means a woman who talks hippy woo woo and numbers and strategy and who swears and makes up words and mostly amuses herself. I’m supposed to be vulnerable and share my story. I’m supposed to give myself enough space to do my job in the world – and that’s to be a vessel for whatever message wants to come through the angels.”
That resonates with me. So I am deciding to follow my own advice, embracing my ferocity, and going to do my very damndest to allow my unique light shine so brightly that you can’t get enough, and you want more because it excites you. That you want to drink up my words, take my courses, and engage with what I do because you are excited to engage with ME, not some crowd-pleasing watered down version of me.
I’ve also been so inspired as of late by Wild Rain’s look into spirituality with her series #iamthrashing. I have watched her be vulnerable and present. And I have thought about engaging in the conversations she and Messy Canvas (and others) have been having due to the release of Thrashing with God, but the reality is…I am not thrashing with God right now but I am thrashing with myself in other ways.
And then, not only was I reading her words…I received a letter in the mail. A true, bonafide message from the Postal Service. Her words resonate. She told me to remember that ‘I am loved’. That the universe loves me. And that all will be ok if I hold those things at my heart.
So I am writing my truths. Spelling them out. Reaching into the abyss and saying ‘I am here’ ‘I am present’ ‘I am loved’.
So that being said, I invite you in the coming weeks to write about your truth. Share with me here, or one my facebook page. I’ll be linking your posts here and there and I’ll be watching the hashtags on facebook and twitter. Use #unapologeticallyme to denote your presence. I invite you to share, come out of hiding, and be brave and vulnerable. Because if you aren’t being you…Whats the fucking point anyway?
A couple truths I want to share:
1. I am not a zen master, you don’t need to be either
So many people think to be successful in the online world we need to be zen masters who have found a perfect center in our lives where the planets align and we all say ‘auhm’ together in unison. I say “Fuck that”. (See point 2) We don’t all have to be that way, some of us just are that way. I am centered. I am joyous. I am happy. But I sure as heck don’t live a quiet, introspective life of meditation and journaling. Sure, I engage in that. But my everyday is vivacious, intense, fun, and joyful. Not introspective, quiet, calm, and collected.
2. If I were still a child, my mother would constantly need to wash my mouth out with soap.
I like to cuss. I do it frequently. Freeing myself from the fear of saying the wrong word or being called out for it was something I did in my daily life years ago. I have curtailed myself on the internet. I’m pretty much over it. Does that mean I’ll be dropping four letter words like it is my job? No. Not necessary. But I won’t be hiding it either.
3. Despite my hippie tendencies I love Taco Bell and Beer
There, I said it. I teach about clean living and why it is important. And yet, when I am driving past a Taco Bell I salivate. I can’t help it, it is a conditioned response. I grew up with a father who worked at the corporate level of the company. I still like to eat it, sometimes within two hours of my organic green juice. It is one of my vices.
I like beer. I like to drink beer. I like all kinds of beer. I want to brew beer. And yes, I know that alcohol is a poison, and I get that. In fact I teach about the effects of alcohol on the body in the 3rd module of my e-course CLEAN. And even though I drink 100 ounces of pure water a day (on a good day), I still like to drink beer. And sometimes wine. And sometimes I even like to drink beer (or wine) and do yoga at the same time. Things happen. 😉
4. I have a myriad of interests, so what?
I am not a unilateral interested person. I do a lot of things. I am currently employed as a project manager, work as a doula, take my prereqs for nursing school to become a nurse midwife, support the trust birth movement despite my own path, am in PhD level classes in Anthropology, and make jewelry. I don’t do this to ‘make money’ or ‘please people’. I do this because without all these things, I don’t feel whole. This hodgepodge of stuff I love is my life, it isn’t some farce. If you are interested in a page, blog, etc that is singularly focused. I’m probably not for you. I guess I have to get used to that idea that I might not be for you. 😉 (See above)
5. I am an utter, total nerd. And incredibly awkward.
All my talk about being brave, embracing your fierce nature, and going against the grain isn’t some magical formula I’ve fallen upon, or some magic whisper you haven’t received yet from the divine that I am privileged to. It comes from living my life. Since I was a child I was the outsider, the strange one. And so being fierce was the only way I wasn’t bullied, harassed, made fun of. I didn’t come by bravery naturally, it was a survival tactic. So now when I teach it to others, I do so because I’ve learned a lot. Studied a lot. And suffered a lot to find this understanding.
So there you have it. This is me. Welcome to my inner monologue. Welcome to my inner fierce. What do you have to share that you’ve been hiding? Share, post, explore.