Typically speaking, I’m not one to laud the eccentricities of famous folk. I’m more apt to laud the opinions and perceptions of that of the common human. The ones who have very real bills to pay, and fears about where the next dollar will come from. (I find this to be especially important when discussing mindset and money).
This isn’t to say that I don’t appreciate the opinions of those of us who have access to limitless wealth, but in general…I’m just not that interested.
I’m a sorry sayer.
There I said it. I’m a perpetual sorry sayer, who is obsessed with the word–frequently finding it falling out of my mouth as I attempt to scoop it back in. Take it back. And for even that, I am want to say sorry.
Saying sorry is my traditional state of being. I reschedule a client call due to things outside of my control? I am sorrying all over. Missed a few facebook messages? Sorry, sorry, sorry. Tripped over a misplaced chair? I’m sorry that I tripped. And I’ll make sure everyone knows it.
I, much like Lena, have been conditioned to say sorry as if it’s a salve that should be spread all over me in order to obfuscate the reality of my human-ness. A beauty balm that turns all that I say from ‘oops human’ to airbrushed perfection. Not a pore showing through.
But the truth is? I’m often NOT sorry.
I often feel such deep pain by how human those moments make me feel, that I am not sorry because I can’t be. Because I didn’t do anything wrong.
It’s been fascinating to me to watch me in France, as if I am seeing myself from a birds eye view. I utter “desolée” quickly, and without thinking often when “Pardon” is far more accurate. And every so often when I muster my tongue into a ‘Pardon’ I feel as if I have slighted them by not giving them my deepest, most heartfelt sorry.
And yet, apologizing is a cyclical act. It only renders you feeling even sorry-er ultimately. Then we’re apologizing for saying sorry in the first place.
I’m frequently NOT sorry, because I can’t be.
Because I am honestly not ‘in the wrong’. But not saying ‘sorry’ also means potentially slighting people. I have attempted as of late to not constantly say sorry, and in the process….have hurt some feelings. Which to be frank? I’m not that sorry for.
I’m just not actually that sorry for my human-ness anymore. And I don’t feel as if I should be.
I’m not sorry for the miscommunication. It simply was a miscommunication.
I’m not sorry for the missed messages. I didn’t do it on purpose, and it was an honest mistake. Here’s a refund.
What Lena expresses so astutely here is that by finding expressions of true needs, happiness, and frustration we actually enter into more clarity of communication. We find freedom in OUR OWN radical responsibility for our own feelings. Fake example (Like it totally didn’t happen but if it did this is how it might go)? I missed three emails from a woman who booked an intensive with me. We were supposed to meet in November for our intensive. She emails me to cancel because I’ve ignored her.
I can A) Say sorry. B) Admit my mistake and ask her how it can be remedied. WITHOUT saying sorry.
B is march harder to wrap our heads around. But B really is the way in which the situation should be handled, as I have slighted her without realizing it. So I am not particularly sorry, but how I can make it right? Now THAT is something I can control.
Sorry is the easy way out. Sorry is the rosemary of the word world. Overused, a bit old hat, but utterly satisfying. And ultimately? Using it less is likely a good thing. I’m in for the challenge.